I’m trying to learn to write what’s in my heart whether the receiver will like it or not. And that’s hard because it involves letting myself be judged – definitely stretches my boundaries. Historically, I’m one who keeps the peace, not wrecks it.
Yesterday morning I was really angry and had to be very careful in my blog post to say only what I wouldn’t be ashamed of having said today.
A blog is a public forum and I know lots of bloggers go on rants and are much more outspoken in what they say and how they say it. There are times when I wish I were more like that, too.
But there are days like today when I’m glad I’m not. That said, I do want to bring the subject to light, because it seems important still, even though I’m no longer seething with anger.
It has to do with query strings of a search, several searches that were made on my blog night before last. When someone looks for something using the box provided here onsite, those keywords are listed for us (the blog owners) to see. As well, I have Google set up to deliver keywords to my email inbox when someone finds my blog through a search on that engine.
Keywords are good marketing tools. Knowing what words bring someone to the site, or what information a reader is wanting once already here is good marketing information. A searcher is anonymous and no private information is given to me, the blog owner. But because of the nature of the questions and the keywords used, I’m fairly certain of the querent’s identity.
I guess what upset me is that this reader is looking for a particular post from the past wherein I’ve made references to not feeling ‘normal’ or that I might feel I’m not a ‘good mother’, or that I don’t ‘cook and clean house’ often enough. Some of the searches were posed as question, one in particular being: Why can’t you be normal?
So to this querent, I pose the question: What is ‘normal’?
If anyone else wants to take a shot at defining normal, I’d appreciate it. I’m not opposed to answering the question, but I think to get an accurate answer, we need to compare notes and paradigms as to what ‘normal’ entails. I’ll go first. To define it properly, we need parameters, since the definition could be subject to interpretation. This is my interpretation of ‘normal’ based on my own perception of societal expectations. It could be vastly different to someone who grew up in different setting.
My idea of what is normal (for a wife and mother) is someone who wakes up in the mornings, prepares breakfast, gets the kids and husband off to school and work, does a little housework and perhaps watches some television, does a little more housework, or other domestic work to keep the household in good running order, and begins supper preparations, greets kids and husband when they return from school and work and then settles in for an evening at home with the family until bedtime.
There’s nothing wrong with that picture. It seems quite nice, actually, and I know many women who live that life and are very happy with it. A wife like that is exactly what many men desire and hope to find. This picture has been much maligned during the women’s lib movement and I think that’s a shame, because for many women and men, it’s a great life and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.
I think as writers, most of us might not fit that picture, and most of us have other careers aside from our writing, so it’s even harder to find commonality with the threads of that ‘normal’ life. Usually, career women simply add their career to the picture and end up attempting to become Supermom or Superwoman. Then if it’s impossible to keep up the pace, discontent settles in and disillusionment commences.
The picture of my own life departs that norm somewhere between the yawn at waking and my feet’s first contact with the usually cold floor.
Take it from me, normal is overrated. Not that I have ever been normal but I have spent a lot of time hiding how not normal I am.
However, in its favour a famous artist(it may have been Picasso, I can’t recall) once said, that you should be quiet and orderly in your daily life so that you could be violently creative in your work. Think of how many famous MEN(Bach whose wife gave birth to over 20 kids) who owed their comfort to some poor bint behind the scenes(anyone KNOW Mrs Bach’s first name? No, thought not!)
Things need doing~ do them. They are not your work, they are what you must get done to get on with the business of living.
I aim to weave my weird and unpredictable life around my work so that they become totally inseparable, so that take one away and the other will collapse.
We must all assess our risk when we open our interior lives to others. Blogging seems to call people to share a lot more than they might otherwise with an unknown , invisible audience. Seems scary and dangerous to me, but I am very private, and slow to trust. The Internet has brought many opportunities to connect with new people, but there is little control over who those people are. As long as we understand the risk, we can judge how much of ourselves we are willing to put out there, knowing that there are those who might take advantage of our fearlessness. Stand strong!
Normality. Don’t have a clue. I always figured that what was normal for me might not be the norm for others. While your definition is nice, I can’t imagine me living that life. I’ve had many different stages in my life. If two years ago, someone told me I’d be living in Booger County, writing books and sharing my home with DOGS, I would have fallen out of my chair.
When I was 20, if someone had told me that in 5 years, I’d be divorced and teaching high school in the northern most community in America, I would have scoffed.
Both became norms for me. My mother cringes when she thinks of me sitting in front of a computer and writing. She’d rather be melting in the Arkansas heat planting tomatoes or mulching grapes. Her norm is not my norm. But, you know what? We accept each others’ preferences.
I think what makes you happy should be defined as YOUR norm. No one’s norm is the same.
And I’m sending a cyber kick in the teeth to the person who caused you such anxiety. Jerk or jerkette, mind your own business!
NORMAL! You are attempting to define what “society” defines as normal. There IS no such thing as normal. I pose this counter question to you. Since society attempts to put everyone in a specific “frame” of what the majority think is normal let’s take a look at some very historic people which would NOT fit into their frame of “normal.
Number ONE, and I’m going out on a limb here, let’s look at Jesus Christ. Can anyone put him in a category of “normal” and yet he is the most controversial figure in our illustrious history. What about Albert Einstein? He changed the course of our history and he was anything but normal. Just two figures which changed our history but do not fit into what we, or more to the point, society terms as normal.
Now, having said that, and looking at how much history it’s self has changed every day society adjusts more to that change. Even the Catholic Church recently stated that there MIGHT be life on other planets based on information provided by scientists. 50 years ago they absolutely denied that. Just another example of how much what is “acceptable” in society has changed.
So, my take on it is “normal” is an indefinable characteristic which is only in the eyes of the societal majority and has nothing to do with individuals. Normal is what we as individuals accept. And that’s different in everyone.
As far as women, well they have come a long way out of the “normal” accepted parameters and I for one am glad. Women are the most dynamic, multitasking, intelligent, and determined sex of the pair. They are only separated from men by one genome. Given that they are for the most part taught as children by “most” parents to be feminine, and accept their place in a role which gives them little room for growing unless they break out of the “norm” and do it on their own. They are discriminated against because they are women, and given less pay, opportunities, and promotions than men. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like women to be feminine but they are more than capable of doing anything a man can do with few exceptions.
Normal, in today’s world there is no normal other than the one we as individuals make. I applaud women who push the envelope and crash into new territories previously held by men and welcome them where they should have always been. Today it’s common for men to be the one at home taking care of the domestic area, and even both parents working full time and sharing the chores. That’s how it should be. Men and women working together.
That’s all I have to say about that.
What I’d add is that you received what we artists/writers must always learn to receive – rejection.
And perhaps if you can see this as practice (kudos for taking yesterday’s angry response off) then you’ll see that “becoming angry” and even thinking in anger, isn’t as troublesome as “responding in anger.”
There’s lots of responding in anger going on almost everywhere. But as an artist, we have to know the difference between the criticism that helps our work and the judgment that sets off our jets.
I must admit, I have lots of practice at that last one.
So congratulations for thinking it through and coming up with a really interesting piece of writing: indeed, what is “normal?”
And being an early member of the 1970s “women’s lib” movement, I wonder if the term is appropriate without looking at the history. What’s happened today is a direct result of the turmoil in the late 60s early 70s – all the way from diversity training to house-husbands, the last forty years have been transformative. That transformation is what has many people so frightened. But there’s no going back.
The fact that any woman or man chooses to get out of an abusive relationship and have the courage to go it on her/his own is a testament to the changes we’ve been through.
So carry on, Madison. You’re part of the “new normal.”
Thank goodness every person is unique and apart in their uniqueness. We’re all different so there is no ‘normal’ only what is normal for ourselves. Shame on whoever used your search for this purpose.
Wow
Lots of viewpoints to consider, and it’s comforting how many different ideas there are of what ‘normal’ is.
I don’t mind being different from the norm, I just wondered what exactly the idea of normal meant to other people.
The view I shared is how I feel some people wished I were, except add to it the job and superwoman capacities. Leave out all dreams of anything important to myself. Or perhaps dreams were acceptable, but actually pursuing them meant something altogether different.
I meant no disrespect to anyone involved with the Women’s Liberation movement, and likewise none to women and men who have opted to be at home in the domestic role.
It’s so awesome to have the varied and interesting opinions from ya’ll – thank you!
Janet – it hadn’t even occurred to me that the pain I’ve felt all these years was stemming from ‘rejection’. That’s basically what it is/was, and although I’m good at taking it when it comes to my writing, it’s much harder when it comes from other aspects of life. Little conversations like these are so very helpful in so many ways. Thanks.
What’s worse, Viv, is that I never even thought to wonder about Ms. Bach’s first name!
I guess I’m a lot more trusting than many, on some levels. For the most part, I’m open to sharing anything about myself with anyone who asks in sincere desire to know. That said, there’s a very thick stone wall around my heart to protect it from petty intruders. So some parts are still private.
Why do so many people cringe at the sight of a writer at the keyboard? It bothers my kids to see me here, it bothers everyone who’s not a writer, I think, LOL.
Thanks, Patty
I didn’t even know the Church had said such a thing, Robert – that’s going out on a limb for them. You’re also right that some brave souls willing to be less than normal has influenced what we later considered normal. Very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I think the person was searching for a specific post where I’d mentioned I didn’t feel ‘normal’. But you’re right. I think it would be hard to define what it is without excluding many.
Dearest Madison,
My brain was taken from the same shelf that Marty Feldman took the Abby Normal brain from in Young Frankenstein.
Having said that, I must now disqualify myself from giving further opinions on ‘normalcy’.
(While the paperwork is being processed let me tell you that you are probably normal, albeit very creative and perceptive and insightful.)
And you write beautifully.
And I love your new cowgirl picture.
And that is all.
Abby Normal, signing off.
Doug, I’m beginning to think none of us who are the ‘creative’ types feel very ‘normal’. Thanks for your kind comments, I appreciate them